44 Witty and Funny Responses to “How Are You?”

Here are 44 witty and funny responses you can use when someone asks, “How are you?”:
“Better than I deserve!”
“Somewhere between better and best.”
“Surviving… barely.”
“Living the dream! You know, if the dream is a nightmare.”
“I’m as happy as a clam that’s about to be made into clam chowder.”
“Just like a superhero… without the cape or the powers.”
“Like a kangaroo on a trampoline.”
“I’d be better if I won the lottery.”
“Hanging in there, like a cat on a screen door.”
“Not too shabby for someone with no idea what they’re doing!”
“I’m functioning on caffeine and sarcasm!”
“Oh, you know, just living my best mediocre life.”
“If I were any better, I’d be illegal.”
“I’m somewhere between ‘I need a nap’ and ‘I’m ready to take on the world!’”
“Like butter on toast—smooth, but about to crumble.”
“Well, I haven’t tripped over anything yet today, so… winning!”
“Like a sock that’s lost its match.”
“If I told you, I’d have to charge you!”
“Like a fine wine—improving with age!”
“I’m emotionally somewhere between a pizza and a salad.”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m at an 11… or maybe a 2, depends on the coffee.”
“Breathing… so I guess I’m winning!”
“I’d complain, but nobody listens anyway!”
“I’m 5/7—perfectly adequate.”
“Like a balloon that’s slowly deflating.”
“Well, my dogs still like me, so I’m doing okay.”
“I’ve got a pulse, so that’s a plus!”
“I’d be unstoppable if I could just get started.”
“Like a computer running on 2% battery.”
“I could complain, but then I’d just sound like a country song.”
“I’m like a cloud—drifting through life, occasionally making it rain.”
“Just rolling with the punches… mostly missing them!”
“Living life one caffeine fix at a time.”
“Right as rain… if rain was slightly sarcastic and tired.”
“Somewhere between ‘meh’ and ‘I’m fine.’”
“Like a squirrel who lost its acorns.”
“Can’t complain… but I probably will later!”
“Like a donut—delightful but with a hole in the middle.”
“I’m as cool as a cucumber… that’s been left out in the sun too long.”
“Basically, I’m like a functioning disaster.”
“I’m a solid ‘okay,’ but thanks for asking!”
“Hanging in there like a spider on a thread.”
“Better than a punch in the face!”
“Currently avoiding adulting. How about you?”